Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
At least life still wants to fuck me.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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