are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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