found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
