So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
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He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
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Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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