never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
