my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
