Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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