I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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