my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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