I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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