the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
