i wish my penis had a tongue
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
