last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Come share oat with me in your robe
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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