i don't like sucking hair
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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