I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
