Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
