He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
