I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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