got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
