"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Randomize
