eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
