after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
