I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
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Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
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The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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