literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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