I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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