He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
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i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
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I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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