That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
