apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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