whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
