Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You can't motorboat a personality
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
