The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
zippers are such a cool invention
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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