She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
