actually, I'm a sock model
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
