if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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