can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life