I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
