So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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