I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
