I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
