That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Sext me about skeletons
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
