Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
