The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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