I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It's rum buckets o'clock
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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