My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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