I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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