I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
