sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's official drugs can't kill me
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize
