When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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