Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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