three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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