thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
