3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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