just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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