i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
