hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
