Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
