Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
